Today, I Ended My Life

Today was the day I decided to end it all. Life as I knew it. When I say I ended my life, it sounds sad, doesn’t it? I am a mother, a daughter, a fiancee… I am loved. I am also my biggest critic. I am stuck in Postpartum depression. I am anxious and cannot defend myself. I get on social media and look at Jesse James Decker and Carrie Underwood and girls I went to high school yet who have yet to carry a child and have all the time in the world to work out and I tell myself I am tired of being me. So, today, I ended it all. This is a joyful occasion though, you see, today I deleted many social media accounts because it does me no good to wonder what could’ve been. It does me no good to look at bikinis and my friends workout pictures wishing that I would’ve known then what I know now. I put the rest of my social media on private because, instead of worrying about likes and followers, I should worry about the people who have been there from the start. Today, I ended a lot of hate. I ended being a door mat for people to walk all over. I decided that I can not keep the peace if it’s just me trying. If everyone else can speak their mind, why can’t I? Today, I ended my overthinking being a mom. I will make mistakes and I will live and learn because mommin’ is, in fact, not easy and I do not have to please anyone. Today, I ended trying to be something I am not for my future husband. I know that having a trophy wife is what guys long for but I am a working mom. I work two full time jobs basically and being a wife will make it 3. I am allowed to get up and not throw on any makeup. My hair will not lay in perfect curls and on weekends, I will be in a tshirt and Nike shorts. Today, I ended the endless squats I have been doing to try to get the perfect butt because my butt is perfectly fine. There are girls with better bodies than mine but mine carried a life. Mine risked its life for that other little life. My body gets up at 5 every morning, forces itself to start the day and doesn’t go to bed until that little life lets it. Today, I ended my life as I knew it. Today, I decided to let go of every ounce of self hate and jealousy I have. I decided, if I am not enough for someone, they can leave. I decided that I am a good enough mom for my little boy. I decided to change for the better. I decided to let go of postpartum, let go of who I was and embrace who I now am.

Grace Over Perfection: when your pregnancy isn’t perfection

Grace over perfection… meaning let go of perfect and accept God’s grace. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t wait to be one of those cute moms who was all baby and wearing fashionable clothes and taking insta-worthy pictures. I didn’t stop and think about the things that could happen. I started gaining 15 lbs. a week. My feet couldn’t fit into any shoes and the shoes I did wear cut into me. My maternity jeans were cutting into my legs, I was swelling so bad. I went and got a second opinion from a doctor because my doctor wasn’t too concerned and was told I had mild preeclampsia.  I went back a few days later and had severe preeclampsia. I was told I wasn’t leaving the hospital until I had the baby. My blood pressure were life threatening and they decided the due date that was a little less than two months away just wasn’t going to cut it. At 33 weeks, I was induced and had my son. He was a very tiny 4 lbs. but in this NICU, thats big! He just wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t expect to leave the hospital without my child… I didn’t know I’d be a NICU mom and wouldn’t have him home with me until 27 days later (which isn’t long considering some babies have been in there almost a year but every day away from your child feels like a month. Now that we’ve made it through and he is growing quickly at home with us, I look back and accept the fact that I was given this child for a reason. God knew what I needed and what I could handle. I do look at other girl’s pregnancy posts and I want so badly to say, “it’s okay, you don’t have to make this seem perfect.” I read girls posts bragging about how they carried their babies over.. “no preemies here.” *eye roll* I’ve had a perfectly healthy mommy to be compare her 39 week swelling and pain to my severe preeclampsia pain *another eye roll* I had a mommy to be complain to my face about her baby being a small ALMOST 7 lbs.. (That was too tiny to her family) *an even bigger eye roll * I don’t know if I’m the only one but sometimes I just want to blurt out my true feelings on that. I want to tell them that even if their body was incapable of carrying that baby to 40 weeks like mine was, that child isn’t any less perfect. If your child is tinier than the rest of your families, that doesn’t make it any less perfect. Also, can we stop bragging about perfect pregnancies!!! Can we stop saying perfect? When my body could no longer hold my little one, I took it hard. I was failing him as a mom already. I was supposed to help him grow a little more and I was letting him down.. I finally understand now though. I learned through this time, and after reading and hating these Facebook posts and comments, to stop holding myself to perfection and start holding myself to God’s grace. I was able to have a child, get him healthy and now am raising him to be an awesome person. No matter the problems, the obstacles, or how crazy your pregnancy gets, its all because of God’s grace. He gave you the child that is meant for you and that is what you always have to remember, even through the not so easy times.

No Excuses.

OKAY,

I’m a brand new mommy. I am on baby number uno. I had a not so easy pregnancy and was high risk which didn’t help with my anxiety or the normal protectiveness any new mommy deals with. Lately, I’ve realized how many pet peeves I truly have. I used to have patience and I used to be understanding but after having a baby, you start saying what is on your mind and you start realizing that all of your patience goes toward your baby and everybody else just gets the short end of the stick. Which brings me to my new number one pet peeve… Asking me why when it comes to my child. If you ask me if my child can have solid foods and I say no, I should’t have to come up with an excuse. I mean, i have plenty… I want to be the first to feed him solids, I haven’t talked to his doctor, he was a preemie and I don’t know what he can and cannot digest… the list goes on. Should I have to waste my breath and explain this to you just to get some ridiculous looks back? NO!!! why? Because that is the joy of having your own child. 🙂 You see, I don’t have to tell you why he can’t go on a trip with you without me or why you can’t put orajel on his gums or even why I roll my eyes at every suggestion you give me on what doctor he should be going to because I am his momma and what I say automatically goes. For years, childless me has set back and never questioned any mom on why she says or does what she says and does about her child because I wasn’t a mom and so I couldn’t put myself in her shoes. I didn’t know what was best for that child, I assume that the number one woman in his life knows what is best for him. Even now, as a mom, I respect other moms. I don’t question what they say, I know that if that is how they feel, it should be respected. If a mom says no, don’t scowl at her. So when I say no, don’t say I’m too protective and need to let go. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even make a face. Just say okay and go on about your day. I don’t have to make excuses for how I raise MY child. 

Would You Tell God His Plan Is Backwards?

A positive pregnancy test at the young age of twenty was not the plan I had written for myself or for the future of me and my boyfriend of 3 years. We still had 3-5 years of saving up to do before we even attempted to be engaged. I had to start and finish college. I had a whole to-do list. Those were my first thoughts when I seen the two little pink lines. Although it wasn’t the plan, we played the game so we had to bear the pain and although it might sound like my world was turned upside down, it only was for a minute. Now, I’m not really an open christian. I don’t shove it down peoples throats and I only talk about it if someone sits down and wants to discuss it but I will say, this was God’s will for me. I realized that. Almost as soon as the selfish thoughts flooded my mind, they disappeared and I realized I was put on this Earth to be a mother and I started loving this little heartbeat inside of me instantly. Just as soon as I had announced I was pregnant, the love started flowing in but not only that, so did the criticism. I was too young, I was unmarried and quite a few people made that clear. I still, to this day, see posts from our friends about people doing things “backwards.” They go on to say they are doing it the right way and they are glad they are choosing when they have children and that they will be married when they do so. It seems like a low blow coming from people we think are so close to us. It doesn’t make me regret anything, it just makes me want to look at them and say, “would you look at God and tell him his plan is backwards?” Would they tag God in that post as they act all Holy and judge others all in the same sentence? My life is not backwards… It took a different route than others. I met the real love of my life a little sooner than expected. I was blessed to be handed a child and to carry it and to be able to witness such a perfect blessing. My life is not backwards just because I didn’t do it societies way… I went the way I was supposed to go. I hope that if you are going through the same thing that you don’t let people cause you regrets. I hope you cherish motherhood, whether you are single or engaged or whatever and I hope you remember your life is taking a certain path for a reason. You are right where you need to be and nobody can tell you its a mistake or backwards!