I Don’t “Try” Anymore

Recently, I reached that point where I threw my hands up in the air and said I’m done. I am done letting myself go, I am done caring whats others think, I am done trying so hard to get no where. I think it happened when we had a meeting at work and the only thing we talked about is how our department does everything wrong. I sit at a desk flipping papers all day… You’d think getting it wrong would be impossible. I know this job like the back of my hand. Somehow, out of every department in our building, we are the ones who aren’t doing it right. We talk too much, work too little and we don’t listen to any ideas out supervisor gives us. I think that’s when I decided not to try anymore. That meeting showed me that you can try to be perfect and fit in to everybody’s perfect little box but you will always make mistakes. You will more than likely be trampled on by somebody that is a little above you. Now, this has nothing to do with me giving up on my job. This has everything to do with me giving up on being perfect for society. I think we all sit back and try to be more calm, try to shut our mouth more even though we have an urge to spill out all of our thoughts. We are so scared of getting judged for talking too much, having hard to reach dreams, having ideas that society looks down on. So we sit down and shut up and live our lives on the edge of exploding into a chaotic mess of feelings and thoughts. We get up and go to our nine to five jobs because that is what we are taught to do. We take pictures of the perfect moments of our lives, crop the mess out, throw on a filter to make it perfect and post it to prove something to rest of the people we graduated with. That isn’t a way to live life. So I decided not to try anymore. I don’t want to try to force friendships that aren’t really there. I don’t want to try to be employee of the month when I have so much to work on. I don’t want to try to prove that I am wonder woman, a super hero mom, a obedient little housewife, a social media based woman. I don’t want to try to make my body look like the magazines and I don’t want to try to force myself to only eat salads and drink water when all I want are fried nuggets from ChickFilA. I am so tired of living my life trying, waking up and trying for everybody except myself. I don’t want to try to do or be anything except better for myself. I have decided not to try anymore.

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