Today, I Ended My Life

Today was the day I decided to end it all. Life as I knew it. When I say I ended my life, it sounds sad, doesn’t it? I am a mother, a daughter, a fiancee… I am loved. I am also my biggest critic. I am stuck in Postpartum depression. I am anxious and cannot defend myself. I get on social media and look at Jesse James Decker and Carrie Underwood and girls I went to high school yet who have yet to carry a child and have all the time in the world to work out and I tell myself I am tired of being me. So, today, I ended it all. This is a joyful occasion though, you see, today I deleted many social media accounts because it does me no good to wonder what could’ve been. It does me no good to look at bikinis and my friends workout pictures wishing that I would’ve known then what I know now. I put the rest of my social media on private because, instead of worrying about likes and followers, I should worry about the people who have been there from the start. Today, I ended a lot of hate. I ended being a door mat for people to walk all over. I decided that I can not keep the peace if it’s just me trying. If everyone else can speak their mind, why can’t I? Today, I ended my overthinking being a mom. I will make mistakes and I will live and learn because mommin’ is, in fact, not easy and I do not have to please anyone. Today, I ended trying to be something I am not for my future husband. I know that having a trophy wife is what guys long for but I am a working mom. I work two full time jobs basically and being a wife will make it 3. I am allowed to get up and not throw on any makeup. My hair will not lay in perfect curls and on weekends, I will be in a tshirt and Nike shorts. Today, I ended the endless squats I have been doing to try to get the perfect butt because my butt is perfectly fine. There are girls with better bodies than mine but mine carried a life. Mine risked its life for that other little life. My body gets up at 5 every morning, forces itself to start the day and doesn’t go to bed until that little life lets it. Today, I ended my life as I knew it. Today, I decided to let go of every ounce of self hate and jealousy I have. I decided, if I am not enough for someone, they can leave. I decided that I am a good enough mom for my little boy. I decided to change for the better. I decided to let go of postpartum, let go of who I was and embrace who I now am.

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