Today, I Ended My Life

Today was the day I decided to end it all. Life as I knew it. When I say I ended my life, it sounds sad, doesn’t it? I am a mother, a daughter, a fiancee… I am loved. I am also my biggest critic. I am stuck in Postpartum depression. I am anxious and cannot defend myself. I get on social media and look at Jesse James Decker and Carrie Underwood and girls I went to high school yet who have yet to carry a child and have all the time in the world to work out and I tell myself I am tired of being me. So, today, I ended it all. This is a joyful occasion though, you see, today I deleted many social media accounts because it does me no good to wonder what could’ve been. It does me no good to look at bikinis and my friends workout pictures wishing that I would’ve known then what I know now. I put the rest of my social media on private because, instead of worrying about likes and followers, I should worry about the people who have been there from the start. Today, I ended a lot of hate. I ended being a door mat for people to walk all over. I decided that I can not keep the peace if it’s just me trying. If everyone else can speak their mind, why can’t I? Today, I ended my overthinking being a mom. I will make mistakes and I will live and learn because mommin’ is, in fact, not easy and I do not have to please anyone. Today, I ended trying to be something I am not for my future husband. I know that having a trophy wife is what guys long for but I am a working mom. I work two full time jobs basically and being a wife will make it 3. I am allowed to get up and not throw on any makeup. My hair will not lay in perfect curls and on weekends, I will be in a tshirt and Nike shorts. Today, I ended the endless squats I have been doing to try to get the perfect butt because my butt is perfectly fine. There are girls with better bodies than mine but mine carried a life. Mine risked its life for that other little life. My body gets up at 5 every morning, forces itself to start the day and doesn’t go to bed until that little life lets it. Today, I ended my life as I knew it. Today, I decided to let go of every ounce of self hate and jealousy I have. I decided, if I am not enough for someone, they can leave. I decided that I am a good enough mom for my little boy. I decided to change for the better. I decided to let go of postpartum, let go of who I was and embrace who I now am.

I’m No Competitor.

I admit, I have not been keeping up with my blog. I have good excuses though. I’ve just been busy getting ENGAGED, starting college and getting things ready to move into our new place!! Funny how everything happens at once. Anyways, let me start out by saying that I long for a good group of girlfriends that have no desire to compete with me. Well, actually, I have two great best friends that don’t. They’re good fun. They build me up and I build them up. I guess I’m going into this rant because everywhere I turn, I see people competing with other people. You can’t sit here and say you’ve never done it. As much as I hate it, I let our friends wife get to me and I compete with her on a daily basis. Who’s wedding will be the best? Who proposed in the cuter way? How much better does our house look than theirs? It’s a constant battle. I’ve backed off from it. I’m growing and getting better but seeing her still try to make everything a competition irks me. I work with a girl who has to have the best of everything. She doesn’t care if it takes every last dime out of her pocket… If you come in with a big announcement, she will make sure she has an even bigger announcement. I don’t understand why its a constant battle to be better than every person you meet. You should want to be a better person than you were yesterday. With all the time and effort it takes to try to out do everybody, you can better yourself. So I guess I’m ending this with its not worth it people. That saying that goes “I’d rather have a $20 purse with $200 dollars in it than a $200 dollar purse with $20 in it” is the truth. You don’t have to have the best. It takes work to build a good life. Some people get their different blessings at different times and it might take you longer but that is okay. Stop competing and start working on yourself!