Today, I Ended My Life

Today was the day I decided to end it all. Life as I knew it. When I say I ended my life, it sounds sad, doesn’t it? I am a mother, a daughter, a fiancee… I am loved. I am also my biggest critic. I am stuck in Postpartum depression. I am anxious and cannot defend myself. I get on social media and look at Jesse James Decker and Carrie Underwood and girls I went to high school yet who have yet to carry a child and have all the time in the world to work out and I tell myself I am tired of being me. So, today, I ended it all. This is a joyful occasion though, you see, today I deleted many social media accounts because it does me no good to wonder what could’ve been. It does me no good to look at bikinis and my friends workout pictures wishing that I would’ve known then what I know now. I put the rest of my social media on private because, instead of worrying about likes and followers, I should worry about the people who have been there from the start. Today, I ended a lot of hate. I ended being a door mat for people to walk all over. I decided that I can not keep the peace if it’s just me trying. If everyone else can speak their mind, why can’t I? Today, I ended my overthinking being a mom. I will make mistakes and I will live and learn because mommin’ is, in fact, not easy and I do not have to please anyone. Today, I ended trying to be something I am not for my future husband. I know that having a trophy wife is what guys long for but I am a working mom. I work two full time jobs basically and being a wife will make it 3. I am allowed to get up and not throw on any makeup. My hair will not lay in perfect curls and on weekends, I will be in a tshirt and Nike shorts. Today, I ended the endless squats I have been doing to try to get the perfect butt because my butt is perfectly fine. There are girls with better bodies than mine but mine carried a life. Mine risked its life for that other little life. My body gets up at 5 every morning, forces itself to start the day and doesn’t go to bed until that little life lets it. Today, I ended my life as I knew it. Today, I decided to let go of every ounce of self hate and jealousy I have. I decided, if I am not enough for someone, they can leave. I decided that I am a good enough mom for my little boy. I decided to change for the better. I decided to let go of postpartum, let go of who I was and embrace who I now am.

I’m No Competitor.

I admit, I have not been keeping up with my blog. I have good excuses though. I’ve just been busy getting ENGAGED, starting college and getting things ready to move into our new place!! Funny how everything happens at once. Anyways, let me start out by saying that I long for a good group of girlfriends that have no desire to compete with me. Well, actually, I have two great best friends that don’t. They’re good fun. They build me up and I build them up. I guess I’m going into this rant because everywhere I turn, I see people competing with other people. You can’t sit here and say you’ve never done it. As much as I hate it, I let our friends wife get to me and I compete with her on a daily basis. Who’s wedding will be the best? Who proposed in the cuter way? How much better does our house look than theirs? It’s a constant battle. I’ve backed off from it. I’m growing and getting better but seeing her still try to make everything a competition irks me. I work with a girl who has to have the best of everything. She doesn’t care if it takes every last dime out of her pocket… If you come in with a big announcement, she will make sure she has an even bigger announcement. I don’t understand why its a constant battle to be better than every person you meet. You should want to be a better person than you were yesterday. With all the time and effort it takes to try to out do everybody, you can better yourself. So I guess I’m ending this with its not worth it people. That saying that goes “I’d rather have a $20 purse with $200 dollars in it than a $200 dollar purse with $20 in it” is the truth. You don’t have to have the best. It takes work to build a good life. Some people get their different blessings at different times and it might take you longer but that is okay. Stop competing and start working on yourself!

Mommy needs a beer… or 5.

Happy Sunday readers (all three of you.) Sundays are meant for family… so I was taught growing up. You want to know how my Sunday is going? Right now, I am rocking my teething child in his swing while watching Mickey Mouse (I HATE Mickey Mouse with a passion by the way,) while also baking brownies that I’m pretty sure I put too much of something in for my other half who is out getting his truck stuck with his buddies as I sit here doing all of this (which is why he is my other half, not better half… he doesn’t deserve better half right now.) Every bit of this house has been cleaned, my laundry is done, bedding and all, and I somehow made it to Target, bought groceries and got my Starbucks before I got too cranky! Happy Sunday to me. While mixing those runny brownies together, I realized something. I am a real mom/ housewife now. You know what else I realized? I should’ve traded that Starbucks for a beer instead because I deserve it. I actually deserve 5 at this point. Don’t get me wrong, Pinot Grigio has my heart… but I need something a little more un-ladylike because here I am being a freaking lady and I can’t stand it. I have held back every cuss word today, I haven’t even went off on other half for not letting me know when he’s going to be home. You can’t get much more lady-ish. I know, I know. I’m a mom. No fun for me. You know what though? I can’t be this little shy, striving for perfection housewife for the rest of my life. I know that its in now. I see the posts about preparing clean eating for your family every night of the week and having your hair, nails and makeup done every day while wearing a cute frilly apron, baking and sipping half a glass of wine but I CAN’T DO IT. I can drink my fair share of Starbs just like all of you and shop at Target and love the color of pink but thats as far as it goes. I’m not going to be one of these modern moms. Let’s face it, I have a very small window at night for taking a shower before I pass out wherever I am standing. This momma needs to be a little wild without all that judgement on the cookie cutter mommas faces. Let’s all get together and agree that the guidelines to being “Worlds best mom” now are a little ridiculous. Today, I decided that becoming a mom isn’t going to take away who I am. I can be a little crazy if I want. I can be a little wild. I can have a few beers instead of always being the responsible one. I can be talkative, cuss a little and even order take out tonight because I am too lazy to cook the meal I had planned. If everyone would just decide this, mommin might be a little more easier!

No Second Chances

Ever since I’ve had my little one, my anxiety is ridiculous and I think the worst part is my social anxiety. I fought going back to work, not just because I didn’t want to leave my son but also because I had to socialize. I’ve lost all want to make friends and to be honest, I’d rather be at home with my son than go socialize with the two friends I have. My other half and I got into, I wouldn’t say an argument, more like a debate, the other night because he wants to find a baby sitter and us go camping with HIS friends and their girlfriends. I like camping, okay. I’m not a typical girl. Give me a tent, a bonfire and a beer and I’m good to go for a few nights. Obviously, that isn’t why I made up every excuse in the book to not go. I finally came out and told him, I don’t want to go camping with his friends. He and his friends always walk off and leave me with the girls and the girls always have their own conversation and leave me out. I have no connection with these girls. I’m not in college at the moment because I put it off for a while to take care of my newborn. I’m not a sorority girl and I don’t go down town every weekend or at all for that matter. That is what these girls talk about as I sit there and tend to my child like a 40 year old woman. Actually, I am a 40 year old woman in a 21 year old body. I work and I go home and take care of the baby. That is my life. It’s not filled with nursing clinics, Lilly Pulitzer patterns and formals. It’s full of gross diapers, throw up and going to bed at 8 because I AM EXHAUSTED. So better half says I have to give them a second chance. This go around, we might find some things in common. I don’t know if it’s just me but I’m not a second chance kind of person. If we don’t connect the first go around, I go ahead and write you off. I’m not into putting myself in awkward situations. Is it just me? Am I right on fighting this? We have mutual couple friends… and I put up with some of the girlfriends and wives just so he can hang out with his buddies. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. Rant over!

Grace Over Perfection: when your pregnancy isn’t perfection

Grace over perfection… meaning let go of perfect and accept God’s grace. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t wait to be one of those cute moms who was all baby and wearing fashionable clothes and taking insta-worthy pictures. I didn’t stop and think about the things that could happen. I started gaining 15 lbs. a week. My feet couldn’t fit into any shoes and the shoes I did wear cut into me. My maternity jeans were cutting into my legs, I was swelling so bad. I went and got a second opinion from a doctor because my doctor wasn’t too concerned and was told I had mild preeclampsia.  I went back a few days later and had severe preeclampsia. I was told I wasn’t leaving the hospital until I had the baby. My blood pressure were life threatening and they decided the due date that was a little less than two months away just wasn’t going to cut it. At 33 weeks, I was induced and had my son. He was a very tiny 4 lbs. but in this NICU, thats big! He just wasn’t what I expected. I didn’t expect to leave the hospital without my child… I didn’t know I’d be a NICU mom and wouldn’t have him home with me until 27 days later (which isn’t long considering some babies have been in there almost a year but every day away from your child feels like a month. Now that we’ve made it through and he is growing quickly at home with us, I look back and accept the fact that I was given this child for a reason. God knew what I needed and what I could handle. I do look at other girl’s pregnancy posts and I want so badly to say, “it’s okay, you don’t have to make this seem perfect.” I read girls posts bragging about how they carried their babies over.. “no preemies here.” *eye roll* I’ve had a perfectly healthy mommy to be compare her 39 week swelling and pain to my severe preeclampsia pain *another eye roll* I had a mommy to be complain to my face about her baby being a small ALMOST 7 lbs.. (That was too tiny to her family) *an even bigger eye roll * I don’t know if I’m the only one but sometimes I just want to blurt out my true feelings on that. I want to tell them that even if their body was incapable of carrying that baby to 40 weeks like mine was, that child isn’t any less perfect. If your child is tinier than the rest of your families, that doesn’t make it any less perfect. Also, can we stop bragging about perfect pregnancies!!! Can we stop saying perfect? When my body could no longer hold my little one, I took it hard. I was failing him as a mom already. I was supposed to help him grow a little more and I was letting him down.. I finally understand now though. I learned through this time, and after reading and hating these Facebook posts and comments, to stop holding myself to perfection and start holding myself to God’s grace. I was able to have a child, get him healthy and now am raising him to be an awesome person. No matter the problems, the obstacles, or how crazy your pregnancy gets, its all because of God’s grace. He gave you the child that is meant for you and that is what you always have to remember, even through the not so easy times.

No Excuses.

OKAY,

I’m a brand new mommy. I am on baby number uno. I had a not so easy pregnancy and was high risk which didn’t help with my anxiety or the normal protectiveness any new mommy deals with. Lately, I’ve realized how many pet peeves I truly have. I used to have patience and I used to be understanding but after having a baby, you start saying what is on your mind and you start realizing that all of your patience goes toward your baby and everybody else just gets the short end of the stick. Which brings me to my new number one pet peeve… Asking me why when it comes to my child. If you ask me if my child can have solid foods and I say no, I should’t have to come up with an excuse. I mean, i have plenty… I want to be the first to feed him solids, I haven’t talked to his doctor, he was a preemie and I don’t know what he can and cannot digest… the list goes on. Should I have to waste my breath and explain this to you just to get some ridiculous looks back? NO!!! why? Because that is the joy of having your own child. 🙂 You see, I don’t have to tell you why he can’t go on a trip with you without me or why you can’t put orajel on his gums or even why I roll my eyes at every suggestion you give me on what doctor he should be going to because I am his momma and what I say automatically goes. For years, childless me has set back and never questioned any mom on why she says or does what she says and does about her child because I wasn’t a mom and so I couldn’t put myself in her shoes. I didn’t know what was best for that child, I assume that the number one woman in his life knows what is best for him. Even now, as a mom, I respect other moms. I don’t question what they say, I know that if that is how they feel, it should be respected. If a mom says no, don’t scowl at her. So when I say no, don’t say I’m too protective and need to let go. Don’t ask me why. Don’t even make a face. Just say okay and go on about your day. I don’t have to make excuses for how I raise MY child. 

Would You Tell God His Plan Is Backwards?

A positive pregnancy test at the young age of twenty was not the plan I had written for myself or for the future of me and my boyfriend of 3 years. We still had 3-5 years of saving up to do before we even attempted to be engaged. I had to start and finish college. I had a whole to-do list. Those were my first thoughts when I seen the two little pink lines. Although it wasn’t the plan, we played the game so we had to bear the pain and although it might sound like my world was turned upside down, it only was for a minute. Now, I’m not really an open christian. I don’t shove it down peoples throats and I only talk about it if someone sits down and wants to discuss it but I will say, this was God’s will for me. I realized that. Almost as soon as the selfish thoughts flooded my mind, they disappeared and I realized I was put on this Earth to be a mother and I started loving this little heartbeat inside of me instantly. Just as soon as I had announced I was pregnant, the love started flowing in but not only that, so did the criticism. I was too young, I was unmarried and quite a few people made that clear. I still, to this day, see posts from our friends about people doing things “backwards.” They go on to say they are doing it the right way and they are glad they are choosing when they have children and that they will be married when they do so. It seems like a low blow coming from people we think are so close to us. It doesn’t make me regret anything, it just makes me want to look at them and say, “would you look at God and tell him his plan is backwards?” Would they tag God in that post as they act all Holy and judge others all in the same sentence? My life is not backwards… It took a different route than others. I met the real love of my life a little sooner than expected. I was blessed to be handed a child and to carry it and to be able to witness such a perfect blessing. My life is not backwards just because I didn’t do it societies way… I went the way I was supposed to go. I hope that if you are going through the same thing that you don’t let people cause you regrets. I hope you cherish motherhood, whether you are single or engaged or whatever and I hope you remember your life is taking a certain path for a reason. You are right where you need to be and nobody can tell you its a mistake or backwards!